I’m so tired…

It’s hard to know what to write about when you are loaded with endless material.  If I ever thought that completely focusing on home life was boring or limiting, whoo, I was WRONG!  There is a bit of a routine that develops, which might become stale after sometime, but with kids that just isn’t possible.  Kids are constantly changing and that is a great thing.

After spending what seems like a lifetime emersed in a constant state of planning for the future and figuring out how I can possibly get all of my daily objectives met, I have spent roughly 5 weeks focusing on “the now” or as psychology-types like to say “practicing mindfulness”.  Well I can tell you that “mindfulness” is NOT overrated.  As a matter of fact, it is incredibly peace-inducing for a sleep-deprived and anxious mind/body.  I would even say that it is more beneficial than a trip to the gym or an invigorating run.  Maybe it’s because mindfulness is something that keeps you in the moment and is continued throughout the day.

Ok, enough talk about my state of being.  People frequently ask, “how is Miriam” or “is Miriam a good baby” or “is Miriam a good sleeper”.  Well, the answers to all of those questions depend on my frame of mind (back to the bliss-inducing mindfulness) and how much sleep that I have had.  Miriam is doing well.  She feels like she is gaining weight, and according to our home baby scales, she is roughly 11 pounds.   Rachel and Sarah’s babyhoods were completely different – Rachel’s didn’t sleep or eat well and cried all of the time, but  Sarah Amelia was very calm and slept/ate very well. Miriam is somewhere in the middle (with a heavy leaning toward Sarah Amelia’s patterns).  Miriam cries when she is hungry, has a poo-poo diaper, or needs to burp and those things seem to happen on a 2-hour cycle.   In terms of sleep, it is fine, but we still haven’t hit the magical 5 hour nightly stretch.  This makes me a little sad, but I am dealing.

In some aspects, I find the 11 pm – 3am – 6am feedings very peaceful and easy. I remind myself that this is the last time that I will be feeding my own 40-day (or whichever day it happens to be) baby at 3 am, and a sort of mindfulness is restored.  I can notice how long Miriam’s legs are or how she seems to smile after she burps, you know, sweet little things like that.   The other extreme occurs when I feel like every muscle in my body has been pulled out of my skin and my eyes hurt, which makes the 3 am nightly feedings tough.

 

Sleep - you're kidding right? It's 3 am. I am supposed to be awake!

Sleep – you’re kidding right? It’s 3 am. I am supposed to be awake!

 It seems like I am on an every other night cycle of those two extremes.  Early Sunday morning, Miriam decided that sleeping after her 3 am feeding was optional.  So, I gave up and held her while reclining on the couch, and was jarred to life by Rachel around 8:30 am!  I must have gone into a coma while holding Miriam – yikes!  Bryan thought that it was best for us to stay home and rest, but I insisted on getting to church.  After church, I took the two youngest girls for a train ride in a nearby park while Bryan finished some office work and Rachel attended an after church activity.  I was a little nervous about taking the two youngest on the long trek around this park and for a 20 minute train ride, but it was fine.  Dare I say, it was really a lot of fun!  Sarah Amelia had several moments of dragging her feet, which followed with me inadvertently pulling her.  (not funny Sarah!).

a nice person setting in front of us took this picture. Sarah is smiling and setting still and Miriam is sleeping. Those things together made me smile :)

a nice person setting in front of us took this picture. Sarah is smiling and setting still and Miriam is sleeping. Those things together made me smile 🙂

Last night, I felt like I just couldn’t do one more 3 am feeding.  Then I realized, it wasn’t 3 am, it was 4am!  Holy cow – I had just slept for 4 hours!  Still, for some reason, my eyes hurt and my shoulders felt like pins and needles were being stuck into them over and over and over again….  Then, the face-melting scene from the Indiana Jones movie came into my mind.  Then I thought about the weird face melting-type of scene from “Poltergeist”.

Of Lord, face-melting.  Why was I thinking about face-melting?  Still, that’s what I thought about.  Not sweet smiles from my sweet baby.  Maybe it was Miriam’s crankiness after her feeding that caused such images to stick in my mind, or maybe it was because she didn’t go back to sleep until 5:30!!!!!  S**t!  Fortunately, Bryan rallied the girls for school.  Despite my blurry vision and dizziness, I was able to fix Sarah’s hair before she went to daycare.  I walked Rachel to the bus stop wearing a pair of stained scrub bottoms and a maternity pj top.  I was so dizzy that I barely knew what was going on so grooming wasn’t on the top of my list.

Grooming is the first think to go once you become a mom, so it doesn’t bother me that much to look so disheveled.  Sleep is the next thing to go, and it may never come back.  (insert sad face :().

4 thoughts on “I’m so tired…

  1. Lol! Miriam’s schedule sounds a lot like Gray’s was. Gray didn’t start sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches until she was about 6 months! The laid back nursing position saved me for those midnight and 3am feedings. The picture of Miriam is too cute! Love little Sarah on the train.

    • those 3 am feedings keep us young! it sort of reminds me of the old college days when I would stay up all night to finish a paper or study!

  2. Ruth, I sure feel for you. Wish there was some way that I could ease your schedule, but I can say prayers for you which I certainly will do. You have a beautiful family and Miriam is so precious. Sure would love to see her and all of you. Love each and everyone of you so very much!!!

    • Thanks Aunt Margaret! Prayers are always welcome! Things are busy but actually going well. The night time feedings are pretty draining but we are slowly getting in the swing of things!

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